I feel like one day I’m going to find myself alone again and not be able to figure out how or why it happened.
trying to figure out what exactly it is that i’m so sad about. i woke up this morning wishing i was still asleep, in some burrow of my sub conscious creating my own reality. nothing hurt. i don’t know what hurts now. i reckon i am need of an outlet. something that i used to have but lost when the anxiety kicked in. i suppose it’s hard to understand. a lot of the things that hurt me i can’t communicate because i’m so paranoid. i suppose paranoid that when speaking of them they will become more real, worsen.
i am sad and i feel like i’ve lost myself. i am not the person that i know myself to be. i am boring. but i was once boring, too. i felt guilty and pressured by the people in my life to do something else. get out more. talk to more. laugh more. but i was content. now i am not content. i need more direction.
i am sad that you feel like it is your responsibility to make me happy, and that in not being about to make me happy you feel like there may not be a place for us in the future. that hurts me. i felt like i was being slapped in the face. i am not allowed to feel without being tortured by the idea of no longer having you. i just want to have you. maybe we are using each other as some kind of support. maybe. but i know that i can function on my own, i just don’t want to. i want you to be around. and i know that recently we’ve been lost in our monotonous ways but i can remember the times before, like rehoboth, and new orleans. making out in your friends car at sonic. sitting on my lawn in frederick. taking the streetcar at night. picking pumpkins. getting lost on the new jersey turnpike. i remember all of that. i have hope for us.
I can’t get myself out of this mind set recently. It happens at least once a day, coming as quickly as it arrives - but it is still there.
I just want things to feel real - I want a real life and things to feel like home and O.K. I suppose I spend too much time comparing myself and my situations to others in similar ones, forgetting that I only see the image that they project to the public and nothing of what goes on behind close doors.
Closed doors. Why whenever an argument occurs am I the one to ask to shut the door? It’s as if you want everything to be heard, like to want me to sound stupid. I don’t think I ever do, I think you often do - but the idea that you could be planting that upsets me.
Talking talking talking. I want to go to your graduation, and I want you to want me there. It’s important. I want to see it.
i am falling apart
just come back to me
i don’t even know how to think anymore, i am sick of being unhappy and questioning you. if only you didn’t have to be questioned. i don’t feel safe. every ounce of attention you get is treated as a threat, because in the reality of the situation - it probably is a threat. i just want to be fucking happy and not have to deal with this all the time.
I don’t feel assured or happy.
I am tired. And I’m feeling crazy. And all the things that I feel like I need to do to combat this, are also those things that I’d never want to do.
I hate not knowing how to feel. Knowing that you manipulated me so well makes it so difficult for me to believe anything you say. Literally anything. Why am I doing this?
I feel better about things, overall. And I hope I’m not jinxing them in saying that. I just want to feel 100% secure, even though I know, no one can provide me that.
I’m happy that I’m getting my friends back. Or perhaps I’m just allowing myself to reestablish those relationships. Trying to round everything out.
There are still things that I do not understand, that revolve around your selfishness or naivety.
I don’t get it.