December 2011
4 posts
i am falling apart
just come back to me
i don’t even know how to think anymore, i am sick of being unhappy and questioning you. if only you didn’t have to be questioned. i don’t feel safe. every ounce of attention you get is treated as a threat, because in the reality of the situation - it probably is a threat. i just want to be fucking happy and not have to deal with this all the time.
I don’t feel assured or happy.
I am tired. And I’m feeling crazy. And all the things that I feel like I need to do to combat this, are also those things that I’d never want to do.
November 2011
2 posts
I hate not knowing how to feel. Knowing that you manipulated me so well makes it so difficult for me to believe anything you say. Literally anything. Why am I doing this?
I feel better about things, overall. And I hope I’m not jinxing them in saying that. I just want to feel 100% secure, even though I know, no one can provide me that.
I’m happy that I’m getting my friends back. Or perhaps I’m just allowing myself to reestablish those relationships. Trying to round everything out.
There are still things that I do not understand, that...
October 2011
5 posts
I don’t get it.
today I feel scared. sometimes I think you are being distant, and those are often on the days we spend apart. knowing that I get to fall asleep with you is never enough to comfort.
I keep getting angry. I just don’t understand why. I just now thought, that if you could so easily convince me that I was crazy, and that you were doing what you said you were - couldn’t you just as easily...
Is something up?
just write 1.0
I just have to get back in the grove. Give myself another chance. Today I read my horoscopes, and they all said separate things. Maybe that’s just in line with how I’m feeling : confused. I went from being 100% happy, confident. I was sure of me, and sure of you - and now whenever I’m alone, my mind always wanders to a moment I never want to live. The moment where I realize...
I feel like something isn’t right.
September 2011
2 posts
I think a lot of my fears come from being a afraid of what others will think.
I hate hearing that/seeing that, it’s too petty. #crazy #crazy #irrational #irrational
I feel sad. I don’t want to move. I want to be distracted and I want to get away, but that’s the exact opposite of what I want all at the same time.
I feel like the moment I let go of my apparently ~crazed paranoias, will be the moment that they come back to slap me in the face.
My stomach hurts, I feel ugly.
July 2011
3 posts
feelings blog 2k11
I am at a low point.
I always reach the point of tears but nothing comes out. It’s only when something seems particularly petty that my body allows myself to cry.
I am nervous. I am nervous that you’re bored of me. I am nervous that you’re more upset by my actions than you let on, and that you resist telling me as to not seem ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ or any...
I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love...
and our bruises are comin'
I’ve never had to do anything like this, I’ve always been on the other end. So many things were said with an, “I hate hearing this, but —-“
With all of it aside, all of the bullshit, and the binaries, and the community - and just all of it… I know there is something.
I want to make everything O.K but I know in doing so I will create a new and longer-lasting...
June 2011
3 posts
putting things into perspective?
I don’t know how to explain it, I’ve been having trouble. It’s only been a week and some change, but I can feel those old habits and mindsets settling into to my daily life and I’m fighting to take control of it before it takes control of me. I am silly - it’s all so silly. That’s exactly what I need to avoid. I don’t have the motivation to say anything,...
maybe three days ago
“paranoia is just fear.”
“so - figure out what it is you’re scared of.”
but I’m scared of so many things. of getting lost, sometimes. being forgotten - not leaving an impression, always. someone I love leaving, finding out that it was all a lie. the main components of life, it seems. the main things you use to develop yourself and your character, frighten me...
just write it all down. it is a bittersweet thing when all of your words flow through your sadness, when that is the only time you can find them. a moment when you cannot figure out why, and just need to see them in print. maybe if you can put them out there - they will go away. I only know one thing for certain, and it comes in two parts. I want to be the one told, for once, that it is going to...
May 2011
11 posts
Ever since I flew completely off the handles of this lil ~Vegan stint I was pulling- I feel like I’ve been eating EVERYTHING. OK, no wait. I’ve been bad for like the past month - which is really shameful because I was only trying this thing of for serious for April & May. ANYWAY. Ever since Sunday, I feel like I’ve been eating EVERYTHING. Donut binge, pizza binge, Thai binge....
use poetry
but then why is my body screaming at the idea of 70 % off art supplies? why can’t I just settle for one thing and become great at it and then just let it all be. why can’t I be great at something — just one thing?
honeycomb of colors
i have paint all over my knees and on the backs of my forearms, and i wish i could say it was for something more than it is - but i can’t. and i doubt that i ever will. i always have these great ideas that never have anything to show for themselves. i’m so fucking broken and it’s really wearing me down. where is my fucking inspiration? before it seemed that i had nothing, but...
When everyone loves the person you hate.
marfmellow:
I shudder every time I hear the word ‘hate.’ But the general idea is there. It makes me uncomfortable, going along the lines of Lady Sovereigns, “luv me or h8 me it’s still an obsession”
canvas ideas:
ripped tape, thousands of little lines
harsh background, powdery/creamy gradients on top
mental breakdown chatper 1, vol. 3.
It gets to a point where I go from being the attacker, to the attacked. When people have finally had enough, and want to see just how far they can push things.
I don’t have any poetic verses or witty anecdotes for this one. They all fleeted me, alongside my dignity, a few months ago.
I am a mess. Nothing I could say sounds good enough. I feel stunted. I can’t feel anything but...
I feel so greasy and congested. Tired, my eyes are itching. The cats get too close in the morning, they’re excited someone is awake. Waking up and actually trying hard to remember and put back together the nights events. I ate pizza. My demise, being drunk, and being around pizza. Or people that want pizza. If my memory serves me well, I’m remembering it to be really good. Going...
where the water is warm and the grass is high
and the sweet sweet smell
that in years closest I have learned was actually the smell
of a fungus
it could not deter me.
even though that is something most often avoided, or aquired, like pickled mushrooms
or just mushrooms in general.
a fungus.
that smell that sweeps through the air, that for so long thought
was only found in one place.
is...
we laugh
and we say
‘it’s just a phase.’
because that would make so many others
feel less.
they never realize it - when they say beautiful things.
he said - ‘you look in him -
not at him.’
‘I have to.’
I said. I said that, ‘I have to - this is not my speciality.’
my specialty is having specialties.
specifically those that are too...
it’s not fun trying to re-train yourself. your patterns. the way you think and handle yourself during every moment of every day. I don’t know if it’s something that needs to be done, I just know that I’m not comfortable with where I’m putting myself - where I persistently insist I need to be. it’s like I’ve got something to prove to someone that...
April 2011
1 post
I want to write so many things down! I’m worried that I’m a hump in the road, as far as my writing is concerned. It still flows, but my words aren’t winding together in the way that they used to. Everything seems so contrived and pretentious, I couldn’t see myself speaking these things - but I can hear them aloud in my head. That’s the way I like it. I like the break,...
February 2011
6 posts
she told me I had to take control of my emotions
something I hadn’t thought of before, I thought to myself
sarcastically
but it wasn’t until that moment that I felt the power
of being in control
of myself, and what I felt, and who I let get in to feel me.
my memories traced back to two years past
I trained myself, a sort of rubber band to the wrist
slapping my thoughts from...
1 tag
you told me twice that this was
more often than not
a trend
and I still can’t tell if I was part of that pattern
or if maybe I got cut
eraser marks and rubbered shavings
littering the floor, making a mess, a reminder stuck
between the fabric on the floor
split level houses that make up the carpet
that time when you pulled me on top of you
in front of my friends, in between race car...
one in three conversations with my dad ends up in an argument about either a) money or b) my childhood. it’s inevitable and over dramatic, and leaves me distressed and hyper analyzing moments that are years old. he does not handle confrontation, he doesn’t handle anything - and that’s probably why we end up in so many intense arguments about things you would think we could have...
I’ve never let go of anyone. not one person, not one that made an impact or hung around for more than a week. they’re all still here, and they all still rest in the back of my mind. and it doesn’t matter how long ago it was that I saw them because I know that if they came back, I wouldn’t know what to do or say or think. I just don’t know how. I mean, I know how,...
when I see that people have been reading this, or have stumbled upon it - my first reaction is fear. my second, is if they understood it - or if they could pick it apart. or something. or if they spent the time to go through each post and see where I was coming from. but no - 4 minutes wouldn’t have been long enough to do that.
sometimes I forget that I have this space and what a wonderful...
it rained for jewelry, and for credit cards
I haven’t put a lot of words down recently, I love lost a lot of them during that two week disappearing act.
Sometimes when I put down the wrong word I surprise myself. While it may not have been a correct placement, or form of the word - it still says something. I love a lot of them. Ha. I’ve had one phrase twirling around in my head since around the time I moved to Baltimore....
January 2011
2 posts
& cheers to that
taking a couple steps closer to getting my proverbial shit together. signed up for classes that I’m praying to whatever’s out there, that I don’t pull what I did last semester. I think the fact that last semester happened is reason enough for it to never happen again [thoughts : among other things] you know because I wanna get gone but I can’t figure out why. or how -...
keep your fucking ideas to yourself. you do not know me, or this situation - or anyone involved as much as you would love to convince yourself, for the sake of conversation I am sure, that you do. I am torn the fuck a part, and I am so sick to death of everyone telling me why I feel the way that I do, and then in turn telling me how it is that I feel. who are you to tell me how I am or feel? you...
December 2010
1 post
it’s been a while and I can’t tell yet if my creativity is being dummed down.
feeling a bit of force right now, but I am also quite tired, and have had nothing significant happen during the day that would provoke some ~intense thought.
November 2010
10 posts
and my head told my heart, ‘let love grow’
but my heart told my head, ‘this time no”
yes my heart told my head, ‘this time no, this time no’
I’ve seen all these photos a thousand times before, and it’s a shame to think that I could not have made them a part of my life. At times I thought that maybe it was right, and it probably was - but I would have ran. Far and fast, and it would have hurt. And I would not have cared. Not enough, anyway - not enough to come back. Enough to apologize, but not enough to make it better....
I made my bed, I’ll lie* in it, and pillow-talk you into it
I don’t want to run away from my problems anymore, but I do not know what else to do. I’m finding myself burrowing in on them, wallowing. Feeling them to the best of my ability. Still nothing gets fixed. There has to be a solution.
I feel so sick.
feeling sick always heightens something in me. my feeling of feeling emotionally stunted. I’m nervous/excited about starting therapy. I want help. I want to be better. something in me is not working properly and I need it to be fixed. I put all of my focus onto mini bullshits of problems, and turn them into this huge complications. I wonder if I were better if I’d ever let something...
I’m just not about to let my guard down [again] and start to think that just maybe, just this once … things are working in my favor.
All of my irrational fears of the past have proven to be just the opposite, and I cannot lose sight of that now. I cannot fall back into that place I was, that place that drove me back to America. Easily the most broken I have ever felt. I’m going...
red hearts and the dust of june thursday
I miss June, and July - and maybe some time before that. I miss them like that one Shins song, the one that I can’t remember, but just know if it came on - it would be at the right moment, like it was meant for me to hear at that time, and everything then would fall into place. And maybe then I would understand, and I would begin to make sense of it all - and I could go forward with what I...
friday
what I really meant to say was that I was going to sit in my room and listen to isakov. because that’s one of the only thing that sounds good to me right now. I like ideas, I just don’t like acting them out. I like thinking, and I like being by myself…but I think I like being around people more… for a moment, at least. I like being by myself because then there’s no...