i don’t even know how to think anymore, i am sick of being unhappy and questioning you. if only you didn’t have to be questioned. i don’t feel safe. every ounce of attention you get is treated as a threat, because in the reality of the situation - it probably is a threat. i just want to be fucking happy and not have to deal with this all the time.
I don’t feel assured or happy.
I am tired. And I’m feeling crazy. And all the things that I feel like I need to do to combat this, are also those things that I’d never want to do.
I hate not knowing how to feel. Knowing that you manipulated me so well makes it so difficult for me to believe anything you say. Literally anything. Why am I doing this?
I feel better about things, overall. And I hope I’m not jinxing them in saying that. I just want to feel 100% secure, even though I know, no one can provide me that.
I’m happy that I’m getting my friends back. Or perhaps I’m just allowing myself to reestablish those relationships. Trying to round everything out.
There are still things that I do not understand, that revolve around your selfishness or naivety.
I don’t get it.
today I feel scared. sometimes I think you are being distant, and those are often on the days we spend apart. knowing that I get to fall asleep with you is never enough to comfort.
I keep getting angry. I just don’t understand why. I just now thought, that if you could so easily convince me that I was crazy, and that you were doing what you said you were - couldn’t you just as easily be convincing me of a future you have no intention of carrying out? I am worried that this is too much for you, that my mood swings - from happy, to sad, and angry - and wearing you down and discouraging you from you are supposed to be doing. But this is all part of your growth - you need to experience and feel this, you need to follow through and correct and problem that you created. This isn’t just for us.
Is something up?
just write 1.0
I just have to get back in the grove. Give myself another chance. Today I read my horoscopes, and they all said separate things. Maybe that’s just in line with how I’m feeling : confused. I went from being 100% happy, confident. I was sure of me, and sure of you - and now whenever I’m alone, my mind always wanders to a moment I never want to live. The moment where I realize the reality of a situation wasn’t so, the moment my mind goes to yours eyes on another, loving them the way you were supposed to be loving me.
Gotta find a better place to do this.
